Persistent

Bollards

Meeting in Newcastle this morning then managed a quick trip into the Baltic this afternoon.
Met up with Jill, drank green tea and admired 'art' we also watched a crane drag bollards out of the Tyne.
Art..... Bollard pulling..... Hard to choose!

Bob Marley

I have always been a fan of Bob Marley.
I remember in sixth form that I wanted so much to go see him in Glasgow on the Uprising tour. But I was only 17 and nobody at school was a fan and my parents wouldn't let me go alone and so I missed what was his last ever tour.
I was the lyrics that caught me. Reggae was fine but it was the poetry of words to a teen that grabbed me. He sang

There she goes with the pieces from my heart
There she goes and now my teardrops start

And around me others were listening to "I want to boogie on down" or "Everybody was Kung Foo fighting"
I couldn't find the artistry in disco music, never could then, still can't now.

I used to have his albums on vinyl, but for some reason I never bought them when the change to CD came about. I think I may change that with the itunes revolution.

I was directed to some of his quotes yesterday, by my father of all people. We were working in the garden and I was talking about how having Kieran around keeps me up to date with music. He remembered the Bob Marley that used to come from my room. "I didn't like it at first" he said, "But you can't help but have it grow on you" Then he mentioned a book he had from the library a few years ago of quotes and writing by famous people. He thought Bob Marleys quotes were by far the best. Grounded, simple and with a passion for the easiest of things to attain and the hardest of things to hold on to.

It got me on the internet, so here is a memory of Bob Marley and some of the things he said that are simple. are true, and are so hard to hold.

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Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.
You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.
You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.
Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all.
A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.
In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.
You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.
Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

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“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”

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"The good times of today are the sad thoughts of tomorrow"

Achin All Over

I have really been pushing myself this weekend. Earlier in the week my mum asked if she could have Kieran on Saturday and saturday night so I dropped him off early at her house and went to do a marathon session in the gym on the torture machines, the weights and then a bit of swimming.

This was followed by a trip to my friends Mike & Liz because I had promised Mike that I would help him chop some logs so there was a marathon gym session followed by much axe swinging. We got about 5 wheelbarrows of logs into the log store before the end so I won't have to do that for another few weeks.
I'm getting used to the axe swinging because I hope to have a house that needs log fuel at some point this year or next so a little practice won't go wrong.

As mum had Kieran I had the evening free so it was an opportunitty to meet up and share a chinese meal. There was much talking and no drinking as I was driving. I had a great evening. It's good to hear stories of someone elses life and be able to compare how similar some situations are and how utterly different others can be. If we are all in some way the sum of our experiences then it is no surprise that we are all so different. It is also no surprise how some people are so similar.
I got back quite late but couldn't sleep and as I had bought the new Contagion dvd that got popped in so that added another couple of hours.

Sunday was a huge runaround. I dragged myself and a very painful back out of bed at horrible o'clock to make sure I was at Mams at the promised time to paint the back fence.
Dad insisted on fastening the fence up, he can hardly walk with the pain from his knees but he still wants to get involved in everything.
It's hard to watch the man who used to pick me up and carry me on his back having trouble getting from one side of the garden to the other.
He is 75 next month, and the family is going to gather and make noise and ruin his peaceful birthday. I imagine that smaller grandchildren and great grandchildren may also jump on him.

I have been so lucky to have had such good supportive parents for all of my life. I realise it as an adult more than I ever did as a child. There is nothing that I can't discuss with my parents. I have no need to lie to them even if I have done wrong I can tell them the truth and know that it won't change anything. It was thoughts of my Dad that kept me going a few years ago. There I was 47 years old, supposed to be fine and strong and sorted and when my world went to hell my Dad and my Mum were right there. It was the thought of them that actually kept me going at the tipping point. Here I was in my forties and I still needed them. One day my children will be in their forties and damn if they won't get exactly the same. My parents kept me going for my children, by example, they did it by example. How can you get better parents than that?
I just wish I could fix his knees. But I can't so I painted the fence for him instead, and it does look good :-)
Mum paid for fence painting with a Sunday dinner and then Kieran and I drove off to the Guitar show at the Fed brewery where he wandred round for many hours trying to choose the guitar he wants next. I wandered round for many hours wishing he would pick one that didn't have four numbers after the pound sign.
Kierans guitar teacher Ant was there. He had been hired to play and make some amps sound good so we sat and listened to him.

I love that Kieran has such a mixed taste in guitar music and this is all down to Ant, he is a fantastic teacher and Kierans improvement after every lesson is remarkable.

Kieran took his guitar to my parents so they got to hear him play this weekend. Dad was saying that he was amazed at how quickly he is coming on.
Perhaps my dreams of a bit of musical fame will come true in my son. I have no problem with that.
I got a video of Ant playing. I will try to link to it on youtube. If not try here

http://youtu.be/ZUZVfkgfwl0

  

 

Winter is over

These seem to have appeared on the bush near where I park my car.
It must be the start of another new season and I seem to be doing the new dawn, new day thing a lot lately.
It's the bouncing around, the "should I or shouldn't I"  bit that I hate the most about me.
The questions I ask myself that I try to answer but I can't. Some questions have to be asked elsewhere and there are times that no matter how hard you try to find answers yourself, there are no answers that make any sense.

I can't do that in this place anymore.

It has been a sad winter, a long hard season.

Winter is over.....

Business Event Birthday

I spent most of my birthday at a business event at Newcastle Racecourse. Got some very good leads that the boss will be more than delighted with and I got lots of gifts for the girls at the office which I shared out when I got back.

I find it easy to buy their love with neon pens, flash drives, packets of sweeties and notepads. It says a lot about me, and possibly more about them.

However, for my birthday they bought me wine and after shave so they bought my love too :-)

Saudade

I'm 49 on Thursday.
The thing about being 49 is that it kind of makes you dwell on the fact that you will be 50 a year later.

A year ago there were talks about the 50th and some plans, now there is nothing. 50 doesn't seem to be a place to get to anymore it just feels like a hole that is getting ever closer and no matter what I do I am going to fall into it.
Of course there is more than a year to go until then and who knows what could change in that time.

There is a word that I have discovered thanks to Nella next door, she is the nice Portuguese woman that has moved in, the word is Saudade which is pronounced 'sor-dad' It's a word in Portuguese that doesn't have an English translation because it describes a feeling and depth of feeling.

I have been feeling saudade a bit lately. There is something missing that previously I had never known existed. Helen and I shared it and now it's gone and after yesterday I know that it isn't going to come back through her.
But the memory of what is lost is still there, it's a thing that I have to believe is attainable again and it's time to try and find that feeling now and if not through that one single person, it's time to admit that it may be found elsewhere.
I hope that both of us find it again because any future relationship would just feel 'less' without it.
It was more than love and more than being one and more than special.

I feel like I don't want to move forward, the lost emotion is associated with just the one person and it's like dragging myself through thick mud to pull away. There is no anger to drag me, only unanswered questions that have kept me hanging on and hopeing and wishing, but hopes and wishes don't ever get you anywhere.

I have a date tonight. This one is different to other dates and I have no idea how it will go or what the outcome will be.
I don't know how to judge 'first dates' anymore because the Helen first date was an electrical buzz from the moment we met. Is that what I'm looking for, or is that expectation to high?

This is why I can only describe myself as Saudade right now. I just don't know if I believe it can be found, and if I go there with that attitude....

 

 

Pondering...... many Things

That's what I'm doing....I'm pondering.

I saw someone today and shouted hello but was blanked, I was sad.
Left me feeling confused and dirty, like I had been so bad that it was all I deserved. I actually question myself as to, was I, may have, or did I, or No I wasn't, and it's all in there. I dwell on these things to much. There are times when the answer isn't mine to give.
I won't push it, I wouldn't like that it may get worse.

I have made a few changes, new bedding, it's on, should I keep the old stuff. It's old now and a reminder of old times, but everyone needs a spare....Nah, in the end thanks to Toni's thoughts it got binned.
I will buy another spare set.
Also this week I threw out a suit.

I'm feeling strange. I don't have any answers to a lot of questions to things that have happened in the last few months, and I seem to be trying to sort it out by making myself someone else.
I'm not sure if it's good or bad because I quite like who I am and I don't want to be someone else. Problem is nobody seems to want the current me.

Perhaps that will change tomorrow, perhaps, perhaps perhaps...

Yes, there is a thing happening tomorrow.....

 

Floor Space

This is just getting crazy! Since my promotion I am now in charge of all the internal IT, the IT projects, continuing the bizdev and email, software updates, other stuff and more stuff.

My office is now full of boxes, each box is a job to do or often three jobs to do and they all have to be done at once. However....I am doing them one at a time, cos otherwise they will all be done wrong.

Film crew is in tomorrow, I will pull down the blinds and shut the door to my office so they can't see in.

I think that will be for the best.

Roundabout & Roundabout & Roundabout I go...

The blog title is from a Poem by A A Milne but for me it has been another two days in Milton Keynes so roundabouts are becoming a way of life, every 30 seconds or so...
But, I do have to admit that considering the amount of traffic in Milton Keynes the road system does distribute everything very well and there are never any long roundabout waits.

I got a chance to meet the 25 new bench engineers that we have recently taken on. Up until now they have just been some names that I have set up email addresses for (So I got to tell Narinderjeet himself what a problem he caused me) and I have just been the voice on the phone that sorts their IT issues so it was nice to go down and say hi so that we all know who we are.

On the way back I decided to go up the A19 rather than stick to the A1 (Thank you iPhone AA Road Watch) and so as I was passing the Boro I popped in to see Karen who has been painting even more stuff. I loved her new Sunflowers picture, wish I had the £300 to buy it.
Karen is now settled with Ian, they met each other about the same time I met Helen, and from the same place as well, so at least I know that it must work :-)

It was nice to see her so settled and happy....not that she has ever been miserable, just happier now, which is nice.
And I think that shows in her pictures too....Sunflowers Karen!!!!! I should probably ask, is it Ian...or is it that you are a Granny ;-)

Back to it tomorrow, we are in the finals of the North East Business Awards so we have the film crew coming on Friday to film the girls and then I am at the presentation dinner with the Directors in a couple of weeks time. Black Tie again. I hope I have lost some more from round the waist by then!

 

 

Birthday

Simon is 24 today, so for me and him it is our 21st because he was a three year old when I met him.

The time has flown but I still have such crystal clear images of the little boy he used to be, I can picture him so small like it was yesterday.

Zara is coming up for Sunday dinner with us and there is a smell of roasting chicken working its way around the house. It's a very good smell and I am looking forward to cutting the beast up and putting it on the plates.

As I'm not going to get to the gym today I decided to do a real three mile run, oh my, a real run is so much harder than the treadmill I certainly looked a bit on the sweaty side when I got back as you can see but at least I can now eat the Sunday dinner without thinking about the calories. Yeah....I'm a bit obsessed at the moment but I have 14lb to lose and if I don't give it my all then I won't do it.
I will burn off the rest of todays needed loss with the huge pile of ironing later and then perhaps a bit of yoga. Lol!!! is this really me? I remember being here a few years ago but it's nice to have it back.

I managed to catch up with Sandy on Yahoo last night. I always feel better after talking to her, it's nice to have a female point of view when you are living a male life. It has to be someone who can tell it like it is though or it just doesn't work. I'm quite lucky to have a bunch like that.
I am still writing, it didn't fade away and the story is moving on page by page. I guess it's getting bigger as I'm getting smaller and both things are just a bit at a time.

Everything is just a bit at a time. I don't have my 'mojo' back yet fo shizzle (I have now stolen that phrase Vicki) but it won't be long now.

Time to put the veg on and lay the table.

UPDATE

Dinner was well recieved. Emily loves 'Grandads Sunday dinner" even preferring it over mummys. This one was a special request so it was served on each plate in a giant yorkie pud just for the birthday boy.
I'm glad I got that run in first or I would have felt very guilty.

 After dinner Lilya decided to climb up my left side in search of the fabled shiny necklace but never quite got there.

Then Emily decided that my office chair was a roundabout and so spun round on that for an hour while I tried to stay awake after devouring more calories in one sitting than I have had in a week.

All in all a good one.

Happy Birthday Simon.