I'm 49 on Thursday.
The thing about being 49 is that it kind of makes you dwell on the fact that you will be 50 a year later.
A year ago there were talks about the 50th and some plans, now there is nothing. 50 doesn't seem to be a place to get to anymore it just feels like a hole that is getting ever closer and no matter what I do I am going to fall into it.
Of course there is more than a year to go until then and who knows what could change in that time.
There is a word that I have discovered thanks to Nella next door, she is the nice Portuguese woman that has moved in, the word is Saudade which is pronounced 'sor-dad' It's a word in Portuguese that doesn't have an English translation because it describes a feeling and depth of feeling.
I have been feeling saudade a bit lately. There is something missing that previously I had never known existed. Helen and I shared it and now it's gone and after yesterday I know that it isn't going to come back through her.
But the memory of what is lost is still there, it's a thing that I have to believe is attainable again and it's time to try and find that feeling now and if not through that one single person, it's time to admit that it may be found elsewhere.
I hope that both of us find it again because any future relationship would just feel 'less' without it.
It was more than love and more than being one and more than special.
I feel like I don't want to move forward, the lost emotion is associated with just the one person and it's like dragging myself through thick mud to pull away. There is no anger to drag me, only unanswered questions that have kept me hanging on and hopeing and wishing, but hopes and wishes don't ever get you anywhere.
I have a date tonight. This one is different to other dates and I have no idea how it will go or what the outcome will be.
I don't know how to judge 'first dates' anymore because the Helen first date was an electrical buzz from the moment we met. Is that what I'm looking for, or is that expectation to high?
This is why I can only describe myself as Saudade right now. I just don't know if I believe it can be found, and if I go there with that attitude....
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